To the Boy I Kissed Last Night, For Valentine's,

February 3, 2010, 7:18 pm

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Last night, I was kissing you. I thought that there should be a place for where I write down all the single instances when I kissed you and I wanted to remember. Because I want to remember.
 

You tell me secrets, and I call them stupid. Because I couldn’t find the words to tell you how much I appreciate the tiny details of your everyday, hearing about the nuances of your 9-5 makes me smile.
 

In my head, a Jens Lekman song was playing, I was thinking of strawberries and chocolate revel bars. Outside, there was a man sitting on the sidewalk at Pajo, making hissing, “come over here” sounds to the kittens on the street. I kiss you, and I imagine the taste of ice cream, the corner of your mouth forming a smile.
 

I smile at the thought that I had never noticed your dimples until after months I had known you. Forgive me for I had always noticed your teeth, or the way “O”s and the schwa sound roll in your lips.I like the way hair gets caught on the stubble in your chin.
 

I guess I should have told you: I love the way the skin on your collarbones smell, and the lingering smell on your left shoulder. Sometimes, when I kiss you I come up with lists of things which I find endearing, but I am afraid such declarations may seem reckless. This is as much as I can do, for calculated recklessness.


I hope you could forgive me for writing this down, but I have been told that forgetfulness is one of my worst traits. I also believe that journals must be intimate and for the forgetful.
 

I write this letter for you, for Valentine’s, may you always be loved.

---

I wish I could have clipped something tangible from you

February 5, 2010, 11:44 pm

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My mother would walk three blocks from our old house in Sampaloc to take us to the kindergarten we attend. She would explain to us what being jobless means, and that with every story, an "i love you". I remember her sitting in her green shirt, outside the room and she told us she can not bring us to school anymore because she  already got another job, at 35 and beaming.

At 37, my mother had told me a story. A story which will instantly break a heart, especially that of an eight year old. It broke mine. My mother was not being selfish nor reckless when she told me that story. She felt, that I would understand. I did. In that fateful ride, somewhere in Quirino Avenue in Novaliches, long ago in 1994, I understood, although faintly, that how my mother loves us.

I write this, and I am 24. I saw a photo of my mother on a boat, smiling. Her hair disheveled, her smile earnest. Sitting beside my father, it must have been love. All those letters, all those court cases, all those pills and medicine, I just think of it as my mother in love with my father.

On her last breath, she was looking for my father. My mother was 54 when she left us. 54years old, 88 lbs, 5ft.

I am writing this because all that I have left of my mother are intangible things. Photographs, memories in Baguio, in Vigan, of a woman laughing about mangoes, a woman explaining to a client about the importance of this and that in a case, a woman in her beige dress sitting in front of a fan during the summer heat, the smell of her hair, the small dots on her face, her bony hands.

I wish there was more, I wish there were more photos. I wish there were even videos of my mother. I wish, I wish. I wish I could just crawl under the bed, the way I did when I was eight, she would pull me out, and tell me there is a bowl of rice and sugar on the table. She would hold my hand and smile.

Breakin' Up

February 9, 2010, 10:52 pm

≫ Next: @marocharim @helgatheweber @helloluis

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This journal is the longest relationship I have had with anyone or anything outside my family. This morning, I woke up with a weird feeling of breaking up with it.

Yes, baby, we are breaking up.

did my heart break enough?
did it break enough this time?

Moving house and breaking up. This feels like a weird metaphor for letting go. It's as if this one step of breaking up with my four to five year relationship with Livejournal is a step towards my being kind to myself, oh too many long stories. 

here's to all the pretty words
we will never speak
here's to all the pretty girls
you're gonna meet.

Still on the process of journal migration.

@marocharim @helgatheweber @helloluis

February 10, 2010, 10:34 pm

≫ Next: Before Heading Out for Valentine's Day

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Ang mga sumusunod na talataan ay para sa kanila: @helgatheweber, @marocharim, @helloluis. Maligayang Araw ng mga Puso at Nawa'y Buwan na ng Wika.

Hindi ko ipagkakaila na ako ay mahilig mag-kulay ng mga bagay-bagay. Ako ay 24 taong gulang, pero nalilibang pa rin ako sa mga bagay na maaring kulayan. Tanda ko, bago ako pumasok sa mababang paaralan ay binilhan kami ng aking nanay ng mga maliliit na libro na maaring kulayan. Iba-iba para sa aming magkakapatid, ang napunta sa akin ay iyong pinamagatang "Care Bear Cousins." (Ang Mga Pinsan ng Mga Osong May Malasakit)

Nung isang gabi, sa may Future Bar sa Cubao Expo, nabanggit ng isa sa aking mga kaibigan ang tungkol sa mga Osong May Malasakit. Kanyang ipinagmalaki ang kanyang kaalaman tungkol sa mga naturang Oso na may Malasakit. Ayon sa kanya, si Tenderheart Bear daw ang kanilang tigapaguna. Si Tenderheart ay isang kayumanggi na oso na may malaking pulang puso na may kulay rosas na guhit palibot sa pusong ito. Hindi naman mapagkakaila na magaling na punong-tigapaguna si Tenderheart dahil sa kanyang mga katangian. Tinutulungan niya ang lahat na maipakita ang kanilang mga nararamdaman at tulungan ang kanyang mga kapwang Oso na Mapagmalasakit na maging mas mapagmalasakit pa.

Maliban kay Tenderheart, mahuhusay na ehemplo hindi lamang bilang oso kundi bilang mamamayan ng daigdig ang mga naturang Osong Mapagmalasakit. Nakakagiliw isipin na nagsimula lamang sila bilang mga tauhan para sa isang barahang tigapagbati. Nagsimula sila na sampu sila. Ngayon, maari mo na ring makita ang mga Osong Mapagmalasakit na ito bilang mga malalambot na laruan at marami na sila. Mahigit 25!

Sa lahat ng mga Osong Mapagmalasakit, paborito ko sa kanila si Wish Bear. Kulay asul na medyo berde si Wish Bear (Kahilingang Oso) na may nakangiti na bulalakaw sa kanyang tiyan. Nakakagiliw siyang tignan.

Naniniwala ako na maraming mabubuting asal na maaring matutunan mula sa mga Osong ito. Nawa ay maraming bata ang maka-alam pa sa kanila.

Before Heading Out for Valentine's Day

February 11, 2010, 10:25 pm

≫ Next: This is Where You Find Me

≪ Previous: @marocharim @helgatheweber @helloluis

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How about heading out to buy some Paramore tickets for you and your date so you can have a next date on March 9, 2010 at the SM Mall of Asia Concert Grounds. If you are a Globe Subscriber, you can get a 10% discount from Globe for the Paramore tickets.

The promo is available at the following Globe Stores:
Trinoma (M1 Unit 1034 Trinoma Mall, EDSA, Quezon City)
Greenbelt (Unit 230-F Level 2, Greenbelt 4, Ayala Center, Makati City)
Shangri-La (Level 1 Shangri-la Plaza, EDSA cor. Shaw Blvd., Mandaluyong City)
Roninson’s Place Manila (Space 020 Level 3 Pedro Gil Wing, Robinsons Place Manila, Ermita, Manila)
Alabang Town Center (3/F New Wing, Alabang Town Center, Alabang, Muntinlupa City)

The 10% discount promo is available only during Valentine's weekend, 11AM to 7PM on February 12-14. So hurry and get your discounts now. Imagine:



Head on over to the Globe Tattoo Site for more details: HERE.

This is Where You Find Me

August 8, 2011, 5:30 pm

≪ Previous: Before Heading Out for Valentine's Day

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 I am not here anymore. I am, however, somewhere else:

Take Me to the Riot